"Look like a Supermodel, Act like a dude"

What makes us the perfect girlfriend? What do men want? What are they looking for? 

Can you see what's wrong with all of these questions?

I've been reading Gone Girl for the past few weeks (I'm not slow, just busy, ok?) when I reached a chapter that really opened my eyes… Now I'm not about to give away the plot to the thriller of the year don't worry… The main female character talks about being the "cool girl' the girl of every guys' dreams. Think Mila Kunis in Friends with Benefits- in fact think of any girl in any film who gets the guy:  she's sexy, cool, effortless, fun, witty, crazy horny, laid back and a little clumsy; so basically she's a dude.

This girl comes in many forms-her appearance can fit the mould of any kind of girl thats appealing to a man: however the persona is the same. But does this girl really exist or are we all trying to conjure up a figment of the male imagination?

“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.”

Men and women are different. End of. We still have so much to learn about each other, but is that not the beauty of it? I mean, I like myself, but I don't want to date someone just like me-that would be far too high maintenance!! 

So why do we pretend to be something that we think is far more awesome than we are when we start dating? Why don't we think we're awesome enough in the first place? "if the guy I'm dating can't appreciate the real me then they're not the right person" Ok, but what if you don't show them the real you straight away? You can't start your relationship as JLO and 6 months in you're Liz McDonald-you've got to mix it up! I'm not saying lay it all on the table on the first date-but don't pretend to be something you're not just to impress someone; it's too difficult to maintain-for both of you.

Now when I first started dating my ex, I obviously wanted to impress him; I dressed nice, spent that extra time getting ready, laughed at his jokes, wore sexy underwear (sexy means almost matching) but my real challenge came when he stayed over: any of you who know me will know that I am not blessed in the eyebrow department… so at bedtime when it came to taking off my make up-I'd devised a very clever "no make up" make up look-a bit of blusher, cover up the spots, fill in the eyebrows. 

"Wow" he said "you even look great without make up" oh god the web of lies. 

Not a morning person

Obviously I couldn't keep this up, and after the first month I decided to brave it and go completely bare faced. I mean, he's stuck around this long, he's not gonna bolt now… is he? Ladies, the fairytale is real; he did not dump me!!! HOWEVER: the look on his face when I walked into that bedroom with no eyebrows on was like that moment in the witches where they peel their faces off. TERROR. 

He swallowed the large lump in his throat and politely asked "Erm, where have your eyebrows gone?"  I curse my 13 year old self for plucking them all off in a bid to look like Zoe Birkett (circa pop idol 2002)

But it goes deeper than sleeping in your make up and laughing at his jokes: when you start dating you want to convince this person that YOU are perfect girlfriend/boyfriend material-there's the banter and the sexual chemistry, teasing each other and always wanting to look great; that's all part of the honeymoon period.

Here are a few little 'cool girl' white lies that you can maybe get away with:

Favourite film: Lucky Number Slevin/Drive/Any superhero film - Truth-Father of the Bride (1 & 2) yes I like to sit in my PJ's and cry because I want to get married and I want a blender! 

Favourite sport: Rugby-I say this because it is the only sport I understand the rules of. I am however partial to a bit of rhythmic gymnastics when the Olympics comes around….

Favourite food: Now think I deserve props because I love spicy food, nothing more entertaining when you don't flinch and he's chugging down a pint of milk!

Embarrassing moment: I was surfing/at a water park/playing frisbee at the beach… my top came down!! OOOPSIE!  The guy imagines you frolicking on the beach being all cool and sporty…. Whereas I'm usually a blob of sweaty burnt flesh, moulded to the sun bed. TRUTH-the first time my crush came round for dinner (I was 11) I put my elbows on the edge of my plate and catapulted my entire shepherds pie all over myself. He never came round again. 

Ok guys lets get to the bloody point here!! YOU are awesome. Yeah ok so you want to impress them in the first few months, make yourself look nice, maintain a bit of romance, don't trump/poop in their presence… BUT the best part of a new relationship is getting to know everything about each other, the cute things, the clumsy things, the emotions, the hard times, it's such a great adventure! 

Society has led us to believe that in order to be desirable, we can't be too emotional or too emotionless; don't be jealous or possessive; don't be a pushover but don't be argumentative; we must have a hearty appetite but still say slim; we must be sexy but not slutty; love sport; love sex but not sleep around, be confident but not cocky, look incredible but not take too long getting ready-DO YOU THINK IT TAKES KIM KARDASHIAN 15 MINUTES TO GET READY ON A MORNING???? And you don't hear Kanye shouting "you can't polish a turd..."

Guys must be romantic but not too soppy; be strong but not chauvinist; look after their appearance but not look too groomed; be laid back but not lazy; be sensitive but not too emotional. Do we want Romeo or Wolverine?

When I first met my ex I liked what a gent he was; very well spoken, polite, well dressed, we went on nice dates and we did tease each other and tell a few little embarrassing stories… But Things got real when I got past the superficial; the ridiculous faces he pulled on Skype, the stupid fake laugh he did when I made a bad joke;  his hair on a morning, the way he was around his friends - that's the good stuff. The real, raw, vulnerable, immature you is a very precious thing to reveal, but when you do, you'll wonder why you ever kept it under wraps! 

Dating is like a kinder egg-you love unwrapping it and eating the egg, but the toy in the middle is what you bought it for; that's the best bit that you can enjoy over and over again, long after you've finished the chocolate. 

So guys, if you want her to look incredible for your date, it's going to take time-Michelangelo didn't paint the Sistine in a day did he?

We all know the real life cool girls: they're laid back; they eat whatever they want, don't go to the gym yet they always look amazing; you so desperately want to hate her but you can't because she is also the sweetest, kindest person you've ever met. But girls, here's the thing…. She does wake up in the morning with bad breath and birds' nest hair; she does spend an hour getting ready and she still has to shave her legs and armpits just like the rest of us…. AND here's another little secret… have you ever thought that maybe there are some girls that feel that way about you? We're all cool guys and girls! To your boyfriend, partner, husband, wife, girlfriend, friend-you are the best person they know, the coolest, funniest most beautiful person, and thats why they chose you over everyone else! 

So next time you feel your imaginary girlfriend word vomit coming out, just think-So what if sometimes I get a little jealous or argumentative? It shows that I give a shit about this person! When you're with the right person, the pros outweigh the cons and if they can't bear to see your naked witchy face on a morning then they can bugger off, because, well, have you seen Mila Kunis without make up on?