A Self Love Journey

I am a confident woman.

People think I am a confident woman.

I wish I was a confident woman. 

I want to be a confident woman. 

I used to be a confident woman 

Can anyone relate to any of the above? 

The chances are, you can probably relate to all of the above in some way. 

My journey is ongoing. It is never ending. It is a love story in progress. Probably the love story I have struggled with the most. 

I don’t really know where to start, because I can’t really tell you where it started. 

So let’s start at rock bottom. 

I found myself in a destructive relationship. I knew I was in it, I knew what was going on, but I just couldn’t get out. 

It was emotionally destructive rather than physically, but I still bore scars. 

My confidence was broken down until I felt like I didn’t deserve anything better; I felt like I was lucky to be loved at all. 

The issue was clearly his own insecurities, because I was always upfront about my past and my present, but he used my honesty as ammunition, which meant that I had nowhere to hide. 

I know what you’re thinking – how could I let someone treat me this way? The truth is, I have no clue. I always thought I was too strong to let someone treat me that way, but it kind of happens without you realising it. It was control disguised as love. 

Then when you muster the strength to walk away – they beg and plead and apologise, and you think you’ve got some of the control back. 

I knew that I would end the relationship, but I had to do it in my own time, when I felt strong enough. That time came, and I did it, and, he agreed straight away. It was only a couple of months later when I saw that he had another girlfriend that I cut off every possible form of contact, and I haven’t ever looked back. 

What would I do if I saw him? Run away? Karate chop him in the throat? Potentially both. 

But I can’t just blame everything on him, because I stayed in the relationship and let someone treat me this way. 

I was weak; I let those niggling thoughts of ‘am I good enough?’ to take over and drown out everything else.

I let the absurd take over. I believed my own fears. I let that negative voice get so loud that I couldn’t hear anything else. 

How did I get back to a positive place? 

I realised the obvious; my biggest critic is ME. 

I’m the one who looks in the mirror and doesn’t always like what I see. I’m the one who thinks I’m not a good enough writer, daughter, sister, friend, or girlfriend. I’m the one who compares myself to others. Only I can help myself. 

I am not perfect, but no one is. Yes, I wish I had a body like Emily Ratajkowski, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t eat pot noodles when she’s hungover… 

We live in an age when it is all about being ‘Insta famous’; it’s about having the perfect body, being career driven, eating healthy, going on amazing holidays, being uber stylish and being madly in love.  

I mean, these are all great things to have and do, but remember it’s about the journey and not just the destination! 

So stop photographing your perfectly frothed cappuccino and drink it before it goes cold. Unless you made it, nobody cares. 

By all means, work out, be ambitious, find a career that you love, eat well, travel the world and fall in love; but if you haven’t found the dream job, you’re still looking for love, or you had leftover pizza for breakfast, you are no less worthy.

Yes, I wish I had a firmer bottom, and longer hair, more money, a flatter stomach…But I am healthy, I have the most amazing friends and family, I’m getting married to a wonderful man and I have a lovely home. 

So all in all, my cappuccino is looking pretty fucking frothy. 

There will always be someone out there with something we want - a bigger car; more money; longer legs; whiter teeth; a more well behaved pet (so what if I want that?). 

The only story you should really be bothered about is your own, because when you’re gone, do you really want your legacy to be that you had a really firm arse? Actually, yes. Bad example. But I also want to know that I have made an impact in the lives of the people I love; that I brought them joy and happiness, love and support, and that we made wonderful memories together that will last an eternity. 

That, and a really tight arse.