Rainbows and Care Bears- loves young dream

They say that in the midst of darkness, we look for light.

When things begin to fall apart around us, we can't help but focus on the fact that everything seems to be going hunky bloody dory for everyone else. Now I'm the sort of girl whose misery loves company- if I have shit going on, I want to talk about it. It makes me feel human, it's my therapy. I don't, by any stretch, believe that any of my friends can solve my problems for me, but I do believe that a problem shared is a problem halved, and I would also want them to feel like they can always come to me if they need help. 

We all like to have a whinge and a moan when our boyfriends/husbands are annoying us, but there came a point in my relationship when I started to sound like a broken record… the arguments were more frequent, and we couldn't seem to get past this 'rocky patch'. Worst of all, we were only 6 months in. Now as one friend so brutally, yet honestly told me- "life isn't like disney land." if I was 5 years old, I would be distraught. But, she has a point. 

In an ideal scenario, I am swept of my feet by this tall handsome man, who loves and cherishes me for eternity and we live happily ever after. Wow, that sounds pretty…. unrealistic. Ok, so I want to meet the guy… THE GUY… you know, the one you marry, THE ONE. There is a very VERY small percentage of the population meet their ideal partner first time round; boom- they hit the jackpot! And they go on to live long and happy lives together- My grandparents are living testament that your first love can be your last. 

But for the rest of us, well, we have to kiss a few frogs in order to find prince charming. I'm not going to even pretend that I'm perfect- I have made some mistakes, had some embarrassing conquests, and some pretty difficult relationships. But it has made me who I am today- it has taught me how to respect others, to love, to trust, to not take or let someone take you for granted. I know what I am looking for- I know that love isn't about finding that ideal person, its about loving them  with everything you have, knowing that they might not be perfect, but that they might just be the perfect person for you.

But knowing all this, and putting this into practice are two very different things; I know how to cook, but it doesn’t make me Nigella. So here is where I am trying to discover one key thing- WHAT IS THE KEY TO A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP?

Ok so you're going all notebook on me right now- that scene where he's telling her he wants all of her even though 99% of the time she's a pain in the arse. Now I'm pretty sure even Ryan Gosling couldn't tolerate someone being that much of a pain that much of the time. So let's look at the basic foundations:

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Compromise- this is a big one- because we all like to think we're right, all of the time. The majority of people that I asked were women, but it was all of the men who mentioned compromise in one way or another. My grandad said that there a 2 words that keep a relationship going smoothly - "yes dear.” 2 words that I think he uses quite frequently! However I do believe that sometimes just saying "yes" or even biting your tongue can be the key to compromise- it is is you, going against your instincts and putting another persons needs before your own- a key factor in a loving relationship. Don’t confuse compromise with sacrifice though… if you are ‘sacrificing’ things that are truly important to you, then it would appear that there’s only one person compromising in your relationship.

Respect- “find out what it means to me”  (you totally sang that) We live in the 21st century-  respect is very much a two way street. I'm going to partner respect up with honesty- because I feel that in a relationship these two things go very much hand in hand. My ex had a past, and so do I, we're 26, shit has gone down over the years. I don't think couples should know everything about the past because it is unnecessary- I need to know the 'need to knows' the ex girlfriends, the friends of friends, maybe ones that we're likely to bump into. I want to be kept in the loop but I don't want a full A-Z history. Nor am I saying that it’s ok to keep secrets from each other. Respect works two ways- I didnt judge because it happened before we met- therefore I expected the same from him. If I respect someone enough to be totally honest with them- about the good, bad, the ugly, the embarrassing, then I demand no judgement. They have to make me feel safe enough to share with them. That was my life, before we met. I am letting that person into the deep, dark, vulnerable parts of my mind. This means that I trust and respect them enough to hold and cherish this information, like they would with their own thoughts and feelings.

Trust is also one of the most important things a relationship needs- all I will say is that you must trust that person until they break that trust- once that happens, it is up to you, and only you on how you move forward. I don't think anyone can really say what they would do until they were put in that situation, so I won't.

The one thing that kept coming up when I asked people what the key to a happy relationship was- FRIENDSHIP

Now my longest standing relationships are the ones with my friends- they have everything We're looking for - they love me unconditionally, they trust me, respect me, they know I'm a pain in the arse and I'm grumpy and that sometimes I don't wash my hair or shave my armpits for over a week- but their love never wavers. I have had the biggest belly laughs, nearly peed myself giggling, had some of my most embarrassing moments, crazy nights out and they have seen me in the worst states, both drunken and emotional- and they’ve still stuck around! We forget that we already know what the key to a happy relationship is - we're all already in them- we just take it for granted because we get so hyped up looking for Mr Right! 

Seriously though I am not, in any way suggesting that we all start dating our friends… But real friendship and love is about truly being yourself- and the other person loving you because YOU are pretty fucking awesome. I can be such a miserable sod when I want to be, but my friends let me have a whinge, then they tell me to man up and snap out of it. They don't expect me to change, because if I did then I wouldn't be their friend- and if you can't be yourself around your friends then that's a pretty lonely existence.

We can all say so many things when it comes to our idea of a happy relationship - romance, laughter, appreciation, sex, patience, communication, support- there is no right or wrong answer! Every person in the world is different- your idea of an amazing experience could be jumping out of a plane- personally, I would rather eat my own eyeballs… (obviously joking)

Every couple is different, they have different priorities, different goals, different likes and interests, different personalities- if we try and compare our situation to someone elses, we'll never be happy. I admire my friends in long term relationships- by no means have they had an easy ride but they have been there for each other, loved and supported one another and maintained healthy strong relationships. I think its all about communication: one friend I asked, said that relationships should be an open book- even if I had a crazy dream where I was a pirate with a glass eye and I fed my pet parrot a teeny tiny octopus- I want to tell my boyfriend about it- because maybe it affected me, and maybe I might want to get a pet parrot now. 

Happiness is all relative to what is going on in each individual persons little world- I know I tend to focus on what everyone else is doing: why do they get on better than us? Why do they have more fun? Why don't they argue about this? But who bloody knows? If you don't focus on your own lane of traffic, you're going to end up crashing into someone else's!

Relationships are not all rainbows and care bears, it’s not always going to be smooth sailing, but the question is- is it worth fighting for?

We all want that happy ending, but surely meeting the love of your life isn’t the ending, its the beginning! It’s never the end because there is always tomorrow. Everything that happens, good or bad, you can’t change- so take it, accept it, pick yourself up and realise that you have already achieved so much- and there is so much more to come!! We can all preach about what the key to a happy relationship is, but we all have individual needs to satisfy, we are all unique. So when you meet that person that appreciates that there’s only one of you and that they get to be with the most precious, one of a kind thing in the world- I’d say your on to a damn good thing! 

I shall end with a poem I love..

Maybe...We are supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift

Maybe...it is true that we don't know what we have got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives

You have to make the most of your life- people will come and go (no pun intended) but when you find that person that you think might just be 'the one,' remember- life isn't disneyland- Love is frigging hard and takes a hell of a lot of work- but it is the most rewarding, precious thing you can give to another person. It doesn't matter who came before or what happened- what matters is right now, grabbing the bull by the horns and working that shit out. 

So wear that kinky outfit, go to that restaurant you've been talking about for weeks, book that holiday, shave your legs, wash your hair and stop waiting for tomorrow to bring you something that you could get yourself, if you'd bother to get up off your arse now! Go on adventures and laugh your head off, go places with friends, make new friends, fall in love with each other every time you learn something new- there's only one couple like you, only one situation exactly like yours- you can't ask for anything more special or unique than that.

This is my grandparents when they bought their first car!